What I Didn’t Know Then; What I Do Know Now

“I can only play piano with my right arm today because I can’t move my left arm; there are

tumors pressing on the nerves there. Don’t worry though, I’ll show you a song we can play

together. Do you know Heart & Soul?”

I did know Heart & Soul.

What I didn’t know at the time was how much moments like these would shape my life forever.

Before I began working with children with cancer and other serious illnesses, I didn’t know that

some of the strongest people I’d ever meet were only one-third of my height or not even finished

high school yet.

I didn’t know that I would forever remember the voice of the toddler who gulped back his tears

and said thank you to me, fully unprompted, just moments after having cried, “This isn’t fair.

Mommy help me,” to his mom and I, who had been helping to keep him still during a dressing

change.

I didn’t know that I would forever feel a connection to the teenager who died waiting for a

life-saving transplant, when I was only 2 years their senior.

There were a lot of things I didn’t know would impact my life forever when I chose to work in

pediatrics. Here’s what I do know now.

I know that every day I get to play a part in helping children get one step closer to being back on

playgrounds and in classrooms, where they can worry about the sand in their shoes and what

snack their friend brought, instead of what test or procedure will be done to them that day.

I know how amazing it is to see a kid finish treatment for a brain tumor and then see them climb

to the top of a rock wall, faster and higher than anyone else.

I know that I felt more pride than I knew my body could hold when I worked with a teen who had

anxiety after having had leukemia, who faced their fears and did things they were scared of in

front of a crowd, while also still respecting and honing in on their boundaries.

I know that I live each day more grateful for the people around me and for the life that, I am

acutely aware, is a privilege to keep on living.

And I know, without a doubt, that the lessons I’ve learned from children and youth are what

inspire me to keep doing what I do each day, and hope to keep doing for a very long time.